A Garden of Identities: Nurturing Your Child’s Authentic Self

As it was so convincingly explained in the previous video, language is a fundamental, emotional layer of our identity. The journey of discovering “who I am” is a central element of family life. We have already talked about the family’s structural identity (the postmodern family) and cultural identity (bilingualism). Now, let’s turn to one of the most personal and profound forms of identity: gender identity.

For many parents, this can be new and uncertain territory, filled with fears and questions. The “Playful Parents” approach can help here, too: openness, acceptance, and connection are paramount.

As we mentioned in Module 2 (Effective Communication), developmental psychologist Alison Gopnik (2016) uses a wonderful metaphor that is also central to our project: the parent can be a “gardener” or a “carpenter.” This idea, which she explains in her book The Gardener and the Carpenter, is perfectly suited to supporting a child’s identity. The “carpenter” parent has a pre-made plan in their head (e.g., “I’m raising a boy who will play football”) and tries to shape the child to fit this plan, to create a predetermined final product. If the material (the child) doesn’t fit, the carpenter becomes frustrated and does violence to the material.

In contrast, the “gardener” parent sees the seed but doesn’t know exactly what will sprout from it. Their job is not to change the seed, but to provide the best, richest, and most protected environment possible: nourishing soil (love), sunlight (acceptance), and water (support), so that the seed can grow into the beautiful, unique, and thriving plant it is meant to be. Our goal is to be gardeners. Dr. Diane Ehrensaft (2016), who works specifically with gender-creative children, also emphasizes this same “gardener” approach: our job is not to change the seed, but to nurture it.

To avoid confusion, it is important to clarify some basic concepts that parents often mix up:

1. Sex (Assigned at Birth): This is the label (usually male or female) that doctors assign at birth based on the child’s external genitalia. It is a biological label.
2. Gender Identity: This is an internal, deeply held psychological sense of who one is—boy/man, girl/woman, both, neither (non-binary), or somewhere else on the gender spectrum. This is in the brain, not between the legs. For most people, their gender identity aligns with the sex they were assigned at birth (they are called cisgender). When these two differ, we speak of a transgender person.
3. Gender Expression: This is how someone outwardly shows their gender: clothing, hairstyle, behavior, pronouns. It’s important to understand that gender expression does not equal gender identity. A boy who loves to wear pink and play with dolls (his expression) may still feel entirely like a boy (his identity). The free exploration of play is crucial and should not be immediately labeled.
4. Sexual Orientation: This is about who we are romantically or sexually attracted to (e.g., heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual). This is completely separate from gender identity. A transgender woman (who identifies as a woman) can be lesbian (attracted to women) or heterosexual (attracted to men).

So, how can we be “gardener” parents on this journey?

• Listen and Believe Them: This is the first and most important rule. When a child (especially around puberty) is brave enough to tell you who they are, believe them. It may be new information to you, but they have likely been living with this feeling for a long time. Parental acceptance or rejection is the strongest factor influencing the mental health and well-being of transgender or gender-nonconforming youth (Ryan, 2010).
• Use Their Chosen Name and Pronouns: This is not politics; it is respect. It is the simplest, most powerful way to affirm: “I see you. I accept you.” It might take time to get used to, and you might make mistakes. That’s okay. Just apologize, correct yourself, and move on.
• Be Their Advocate: Be their “safe harbor.” This means standing up for them at school, at the doctor’s office, and yes, even within the extended family, such as with grandparents who may have a harder time understanding. This is one of the most difficult, but most important, forms of intergenerational bridge-building in the “Playful Parents” project.
• Educate Yourself: You don’t have to become an expert overnight. But it is your responsibility to inform yourself from reliable sources (APA, 2015; Brill & Kenney, 2016). This takes the burden off your child of having to teach you.

Understanding and affirming your child’s identity is the first and most important step. But what happens in that crucial, often-feared moment when they decide to share this identity with you in a “coming out” conversation? The next video offers a practical guide for exactly this conversation.

References

American Psychological Association (2015). Guidelines for psychological practice with transgender and gender nonconforming people. American Psychologist, 70(9), 832–864.

Brill, S., & Kenney, L. (2016). The transgender teen: A handbook for parents and professionals supporting transgender and non-binary teens. Cleis Press.

Ehrensaft, D. (2016). The gender creative child: Pathways for nurturing and supporting children who live outside gender boxes. The Experiment.

Gopnik, A. (2016). The gardener and the carpenter: What the new science of child development tells us about the relationship between parents and children. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Ryan, C. (2010). Supportive families, healthy children: Helping families with lesbian, gay, bisexual, & transgender children. San Francisco State University.