“Am I Regulating… or Controlling?”
Our introduction framed a powerful shift: viewing discipline not as a battle, but as a bridge to connection. To begin this journey, we must start with ourselves. The first video, “Before the Rules: Who Am I When I Discipline?”, invited you to pause and consider the emotional state you are parenting from. This article will give you the tools to go deeper, helping you distinguish between two very different modes of parenting in the heat of the moment: regulating versus controlling.
This idea builds directly on our work in Module 2; we can’t offer genuine empathy or use a calm “I-Message” if we aren’t aware of our own feelings first. This article will dive deeper into that self-awareness, helping you distinguish between two very different modes of parenting in the heat of the moment: regulating versus controlling.
You’ve told your child three times to put their shoes on. Instead, they’re spinning in circles on the floor. You feel your heart rate rise, your voice sharpen, and the words come out: “That’s enough! If you don’t listen, no screen time today!”
Sound familiar?
In moments like this, it’s easy to believe the child needs to change. But often, the first shift must happen in us—the adults.
Control or regulation? These two can look similar on the outside, but they come from different places. Control often comes from a place of fear, stress, or frustration. It seeks quick obedience. Regulation, on the other hand, starts with recognizing your own emotional state, pausing, and choosing a response aligned with your values.
Children learn not just from what we say, but from how we are. If we model yelling, they’ll learn that stress means shouting. If we model self-regulation—taking a deep breath, acknowledging our frustration, and then speaking with calm firmness—they’ll learn something entirely different: that emotions can be handled, not feared.
Positive discipline starts with adult self-awareness:
● What am I feeling right now?
● What does my body need? (A pause? A drink of water? A break?)
● What is my goal: obedience, or long-term learning?
When we regulate ourselves first, we can set boundaries with clarity and warmth. We become leaders, not enforcers. The shift from controlling to regulating isn’t about being permissive—it’s about being connected.
And guess what? This doesn’t mean getting it perfect every time. Kids benefit just as much from seeing how we repair after a rupture. Saying, “I was feeling overwhelmed earlier. Let’s try again,” teaches more than any lecture.
Start with you. Breathe. Reflect. Then respond. That’s regulation—and that’s where real learning begins.
Recognizing the difference between regulating and controlling is a huge step. But in a stressful moment, simply wanting to be calm doesn’t always make it happen. What if you’re not a “naturally calm” person? The next video, “Calm Is a Skill: Not a Personality Trait,” will be a reassuring guide, showing you that calm isn’t something you’re born with, but a skill that anyone can learn and practice.