Anchor in the Storm: How to Co-Regulate Through Separation

The powerful insights from the previous video on narrative identity are crucial, especially when facing one of the biggest narrative changes a family can experience: divorce or separation. The challenge is not just the legal splitting of assets, but the emotional splitting of the family story.

Divorce and separation can feel like a devastating earthquake for a child. While the divorce itself is painful, decades of research show that the ongoing high conflict between parents is the primary factor leading to long-term negative outcomes for children (Amato, 2001). This conflict creates emotional turbulence that directly threatens the child’s sense of safety. For parents, this period is often characterized by significant grief, stress, and overwhelm (Walsh, 2012), which can lead to shorter fuses, inconsistent discipline, and emotional withdrawal—all of which further destabilize the child. Studies show that roughly 25% of children from divorced families experience serious social, behavioral, and psychological problems, compared to 10% from intact families (Kelly & Emery, 2003).

This is precisely why your playful presence becomes your child’s most important anchor. Play is a powerful tool for co-regulation and emotional processing.

The Child’s Experience and Play Therapy Findings

In the face of parental conflict and change, children exhibit a range of symptoms. Younger children (preschool age) frequently show regressive behaviors like increased clinginess, bed-wetting, or thumb-sucking (Wallerstein, 1991). Older children often show externalizing problems such as defiance, hostility, poor academic performance, or social withdrawal. These are signals of a nervous system on high alert.

Play therapy provides concrete evidence that non-directive play helps children process these complex emotions. For instance, Child-Centered Play Therapy (CCPT) studies show that play is a safe space for children to act out confusion over loyalty or anger about the loss of the family unit, often through playing out separation and reunion themes with dolls or puppets (Landreth, 2012). Your role is to use play for co-regulation. When a child is melting down, a playful reset—like a sudden pillow fight or a silly dance—acts as a circuit breaker, releasing the built-up tension and preventing the stress cycle from overwhelming both of you.

Family therapists emphasize that the shift starts with the parent controlling their own communication. You and your ex-partner may no longer be a couple, but you are a co-parenting team for life. Research confirms that the most powerful protective factor for a child during divorce is low-conflict co-parenting (Kelly, 2007). You must prioritize connection over conflict, remembering that high conflict co-parenting is an active stressor that continues to harm the child long after the legal separation is complete.

Now that we understand the necessity of this stable, playful anchor during separation, the next content will give you a practical tool to help your child visualize and process this new family structure.

References:

• Amato, P. R., 2001, Children of divorce in the 1990s: An update of the Amato and Keith (1991) meta-analysis, Journal of Family Psychology.
• Kelly, J. B., 2007, Children’s Adjustment Following Divorce: Risk and Resilience Perspectives, Family Relations.
• Kelly, J. B. & Emery, R. E., 2003, Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives, Family Relations.
• Landreth, G. L., 2012, Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship, Routledge.
• Wallerstein, J. S., 1991, The long-term effects of divorce on children: a review of the psychiatric literature, Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

Walsh, F., 2012, Family Resilience: A Framework for Clinical Practice, Guilford Press.