Feeling Good Inside and Out: Nurturing Self-Esteem and Agency

Wendy’s message—that providing time, space, and permission is our primary role—is the perfect bridge to our next topic. This “hands-off” (but deeply supportive) approach is the heart of building both agency and self-esteem. Our next article will explore the psychology behind why this works, connecting the neuroscience of agency with the humanistic principles of Carl Rogers.

As we have seen, the foundations of self-worth are not built from compliments; they are built from embodiment and agency. Agency, in its simplest form, is the feeling of being the “author of one’s own actions” (Suhajda, n.d.-a). It is the belief that “I can make things happen,” and it develops alongside the self, containing the idea of being capable of voluntary, intentional action (Sen, 1985; Samman & Santos, 2009). This feeling is born in the earliest moments of self-initiated play, as described by Daniel Stern (1985), when an infant accidentally gets their thumb in their mouth and then, after many attempts, does it on purpose. That moment of intentional, self-initiated success is the seed of agency.

This is precisely why play is not optional; it is the “gym” for developing agency. As the psychologist D.W. Winnicott (1971) described, play happens in a “transitional space,” a special learning zone that is not quite internal fantasy and not quite external reality. In this space, the child is in charge. They can experiment with cause and effect, test boundaries, and experience a sense of omnipotence without real-world consequence. When children’s lives are over-scheduled with adult-led activities, they risk developing a “play deficit,” which can lead to a decrease in self-motivation and self-initiation (Suhajda, n.d.-a). They learn to wait for instructions rather than trusting their own internal drive.

How, then, do we as parents nurture this delicate, self-driven process? We do so by adopting the role of the “Gardener,” not the “Carpenter.” We create the supportive environment, grounded in the person-centered principles of Carl Rogers (1998). Rogers identified three core conditions for growth:

1. Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR): This is the bedrock of self-esteem. It is the act of accepting the person regardless of their behaviour. It is the difference between saying, “Hitting is not allowed” (rejecting the behaviour) and “You are a bad boy” (rejecting the self). When a child feels fundamentally “okay” in our eyes, even when they make mistakes, they internalize that sense of worth.
2. Empathy: This is the skill of Active Listening, of genuinely trying to understand the child’s inner world from their point of view. When we validate their feelings—”It is so frustrating when the tower keeps falling!”—we are not just reflecting words. We are communicating, “Your feelings are real, they make sense, and you make sense.” This builds their trust in their own inner world.
3. Congruence (Authenticity): This means being real, genuine, and human. We must be “in agreement” with ourselves, not hiding behind a mask of the “perfect parent” (Suhajda, 2017). When we are authentic, we own our own feelings and limitations using “I-Messages” (e.g., “I am feeling too tired to play right now”). This models self-acceptance and shows our children that it is safe to be imperfectly human.

By providing these three conditions, we create the rich, fertile soil for our child’s agency and self-esteem to grow. We are not giving them self-worth; we are creating the safe, connected, and playful space where they can discover it for themselves.

We have established the “why”—the deep connection between Rogers’ principles, embodied play, and our child’s sense of self. But what does this look like in practice? How do we use these ideas when our child comes home sad because of something they saw on social media?

Our next video introduces some of the playful, practical tools we can use to have these conversations.

References

• Rogers, C. R. (1998). Lényegi tanulás a terápiában és oktatásban. Rogers Személyközpontú Iskola, Budapest.
• Samman, E. & Santos, M. E. (2009). Agency and Empowerment: A review of concepts, indicators and empirical evidence. Oxford Poverty and Human Development Initiative.
• Sen, A.K. (1985). ‘Well-being, Agency and Freedom’, The Journal of Philosophy, 82, pp. 169-221.
• Stern, D. (1985). The Interpersonal World of the Infant. Karnac Books.
• Suhajda, É. V. (2017). Érzelmi intelligencia és konfliktuskezelés. Pedagógus mestervizsgára felkészítő jegyzet, Magyar Kereskedelmi és Iparkamara, Budapest.
• Suhajda E. V. (2018). The Internal, Neural Dynamics of Play, Learning and the Agency of the Child. In: Russel, W. (Ed.) The Strength of European Diversity for Building Children’s Resilience through Play and Drama: A collection of articles from the EU Erasmus Plus ARTPAD project. University of Gloucestershire.
•  Winnicott, D.W (1971). Playing and Reality. Tavistock Publications Ltd, London.