The Unspoken Words: Play as a Child’s Expression of Loss

That video showed us how to create a new ‘map’ for the future. But sometimes, a family crisis isn’t about a new structure, but about a loss that leaves a permanent empty space on the map. Let’s explore how we can support our children through the profound challenge of grief.

Grief is a silent, confusing storm for a child. Unlike adults, children often grieve in cycles, dipping into intense emotion and then quickly returning to play (Goldman, 2005). They may not have the words to express the immensity of their feelings, and their pain can manifest in ways that are hard to understand, from lashing out to social withdrawal. In this content, we position play as a new language—a nonverbal way for children to express emotions they can’t verbalize and to make sense of a world that has suddenly changed.

Manifestations of Grief and Parental Stress

The way a child grieves is highly dependent on their developmental stage (Webb, 2010). Preschoolers (3-5) often show magical thinking, believing the person may return, and their grief manifests as regressive behaviors, fear of abandonment, and difficulty sleeping. School-age children (6-12) often personalize the death, fearing their own safety or the safety of remaining family members, leading to somatic complaints (stomach aches) or academic decline.

Critically, parents experiencing their own profound grief can struggle to be emotionally available, a concept known as “secondary trauma” or caregiver stress (Schonfeld & Quackenbush, 2010). This emotional distance, while unintentional, can compound the child’s feeling of isolation and loss. It is essential for parents to recognize their own need for support so they can create the “oasis of safety” the child requires (Goldman, 2005).

The Healing Power of Play Therapy

For a grieving child, play is essential. Play therapy research consistently finds that play provides a critical buffer against trauma and loss (O’Connor, 2000). Children will often use repetitive play—a doll being “sick,” or an animal running away—to safely process the event and gain mastery over the painful feelings of helplessness. The act of externalizing the tragedy allows the child to take small steps toward integrating the painful event.

Grief is a journey, not a single event. Play can help you create rituals that honor the memory of the person or pet who has passed away, giving your child a tangible way to feel connected to their loved one. For example, the Memory Box provides a concrete, safe place for the child to hold both the sadness and the joy of remembering, facilitating a healthy connection to the past.

When children ask blunt questions about death, be honest and direct. Avoid euphemisms which can confuse and frighten them. Respond with empathy and honesty, reinforcing that their feelings are valid. As the saying goes, “Tell me more about what you are thinking about,” rather than shutting down the conversation.

This understanding of play as a language for grief is the first step. Next, let’s watch a video that demonstrates how to turn that understanding into a shared, healing activity by creating tangible, playful rituals of remembrance.

References:

• Goldman, L., 2005, Children Also Grieve: Talking to Children About Death, Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
• O’Connor, K. J., 2000, The Play Therapy Primer, Wiley.
• Schonfeld, D. J. & Quackenbush, M., 2010, The Grieving Student: A Teacher’s Guide, Paul H. Brookes Publishing Company.
• Webb, N. B., 2010, Helping Bereaved Children: A Handbook for Practitioners, Guilford Press.