We’re All in This Together: Eliminating Gender Roles at Home
As the previous video emphasized, building a “bridge of trust” is our most important task when our child opens up to us. This trust and acceptance, however, are not just built in these life-changing moments, but in the small actions of everyday life. The way we model partnership and equality at home is a continuous, non-verbal message to our children about what we consider “normal” and “valuable.”
One of the most powerful ways to create this atmosphere of trust is to consciously dismantle rigid gender roles within the family. Who cooks dinner? Who helps with homework? Who mows the lawn? Who remembers to buy birthday presents? Who takes the car to be serviced? In many families, the answers still follow traditional gender lines, often without us even noticing.
But why is this important? This isn’t just about “political correctness” or fairness. Rigid gender roles limit everyone. They send the message to boys that they can’t be nurturing, sensitive, or vulnerable (“Don’t cry, be a man!”). They send the message to girls that they can’t be assertive, loud, or leaders (“Be nice, don’t be bossy!”). In doing so, we are actually limiting their emotional and behavioral “playground”—narrowing the range of roles they feel “allowed” to try on.
The Invisible “Mental Load”
The problem goes beyond physical tasks. In her book Fair Play, Eve Rodsky (2019) introduced the concept of the “mental load.” This is the invisible, full-time job of remembering everything: the doctor’s appointments, the birthdays, the school deadlines, when the toilet paper is running out. Historically, this burden has fallen almost exclusively on women. When this mental load is also shared, it not only increases relationship satisfaction but also models true partnership.
How Do Children Learn Roles?
Children are social sponges. They don’t learn what we tell them; they learn what they see from us. According to researchers Rebecca Bigler and Lynn Liben (2007), children are natural “categorizers.” If they see that in their family, Mom always cooks and Dad always does repairs, their brain registers this as a rule: “cooking is mom-work,” “fixing things is dad-work.” However, if they see Dad cooking and Mom using a drill, the rule becomes more flexible: “cooking and drilling are adult-work, and anyone can do it.”
Practical and Playful Strategies for Deconstruction
- Change Your Language: Instead of “smart girl” or “brave boy,” praise the action. “That was a kind thing to do.” “That was a brave attempt.” “That was a smart solution.” This uncouples the quality from the gender.
- Role-Reversal Play: Intentionally play games where roles are swapped. Dad can pretend to be the “baby” who needs care, and Mom can be the “construction manager.” Laugh about it! This playfully normalizes flexible roles.
- Make Skills Universal: Don’t call chores “helping” (e.g., “Help Mom!”), but “life skills.” Everyone needs to learn to cook, clean, and use a hammer to be a competent adult. Competence has no gender.
- Audit Your Media and Toys: Look at your children’s books and shows. Is it always the prince saving the princess? Talk about it! “What do you think, could the princess have saved herself? How cool would that be!”
By dismantling internal family roles, we create a more socially flexible and open home environment. Interestingly, it is precisely this “flexibility”—in both our social roles and our minds—that is one of the greatest advantages of the diverse, modern family. In the next video, Dr. Virág Suhajda returns to this idea, explaining the powerful cognitive flexibility that multilingualism brings.
References
Bigler, R. S., & Liben, L. S. (2007). Developmental intergroup theory: Explaining and reducing children’s social stereotyping and prejudice. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 16(3), 162–166.
Rodsky, E. (2019). Fair play: A game-changing solution for when you have too much to do (and more life to live). G.P. Putnam’s Sons.